


Coping Mechanism

by Lewkash



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Gen, Grief, a little changlix, selfharm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-03
Updated: 2018-02-03
Packaged: 2019-03-13 01:47:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13560081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lewkash/pseuds/Lewkash
Summary: Felix struggles with dealing with Chris' death.





	Coping Mechanism

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel to 42! so read that first before reading this to understand what's going on :)

The scene where Woojin tells the seven of them about what happened replays in Felix’s mind in the form of a dream. It still felt surreal, like a horrible nightmare. The thing is, it isn’t a nightmare. It is very, very real. Chris is never coming back. Felix doesn’t want to believe this, he likes to believe that it’s all just a sick prank. Felix was losing his mind, yet he was so apathetic.   
It has only been a month, but everything has changed. They didn’t even get to debut, and now they have disbanded. The dorms were quiet. There were never loud screams or a mess anymore. No jokes, no puns. Rarely the good smell of homecooked food. It’s not the same without “Chan’s Kitchen”. Woojin and Minho don’t even sleep in that room anymore, because all of Chan’s stuff is there and no one has the heart to touch it. 

Felix thought he was good at hiding it, but everyone saw it. He was the one struggling the most. He lost his best friend, the only one capable of understanding him fully. He pretended to be dealing as much as the others, but he was worse off. He rarely got more than two hours of sleep, he would go into Chris’s dorm and just sit in his bed or sit in the chair in front of his laptop and mixing board. He could spend hours in that room, just sitting, staring, feeling lost.   
Felix didn’t know if he could ever feel whole again. The others seemed to be dealing well, some of them even returned to practice already, only a day after Chris’ funeral. Felix were supposed to hold a speech at the funeral, since he was his closest friend. He couldn’t, he went up there, he spoke two sentences. Then he broke down, loudly crying, even screaming, just making a big embarrassment of himself. “I miss you so much!” He had screamed into the microphone in English before running off, and out of the church. Not being able to cope at all. Changbin had awkwardly followed him, to try and calm him, comfort him. The priest had to continue the service, while everyone felt bad for Felix. 

After that, Felix was the only one visiting the grave. The other seemed to avoid it, in an attempt to forget it all. Felix couldn’t forget, he didn’t want to forget. He visited the grave every day, making sure the flowers and other decorations were placed neatly, and perfect. He sat on the ground beside it, just staring at Chris’ name.   
Felix was both devastated and furious. Sad because Chris never told him how he felt and because he went off killing himself literally barely an hour after they tried to help him, to prevent that exact outcome. That is also why he was furious. How could he do that? Right after they showed him how much they care about him? Was it not real enough for him? Did it all seem fake?  
Felix wanted to know why, what was the reason? What had happened or influenced Chan to think like that? What drove him to do that, right after they confessed their worries?   
It has been a few months; most things were back to ‘normal’. Felix was alone at the dorm, it was practice day but he couldn’t go. He wasn’t able to practice, he didn’t have the energy, or will to do so. What was the point of training anyway? They weren’t a group anymore. They had no purpose. 

Felix screamed a heartbreaking scream, one of those screams that hurts to even hear. He punched the wall in anger. Staring at his hand in shock, as the impact was strong and made his whole hand sting.   
It helped for some reason. He could feel the pain in his heart ease up for a bit, concentrating on the physical pain in his hand instead. He punched the wall again, harder. And then again and again and again. His knuckles were sprained, bleeding violently. Leaving marks on the wall and dripping to the floor. Felix didn’t care, he was in pain and this distracted him.   
He paused for a second, the reality of what he had just done setting in. He screamed again as tears blurred his vision. He slammed his back against the wall and slid down beside the pool of his own blood. He sat and stared at his bleeding hand, shaking from the friction. Watching each drop of blood form and then drip to the floor. His mind went blank, focusing solely on the blood for no reason.   
Felix didn’t realize for how long he had sat there, spacing out. Suddenly the others barged in the dorm, shouting happily about ordering food as they were starving. They all stopped in their tracks abruptly when they saw Felix. 

Changbin ran to the stiff but crying boy. “What have you done? What happened? Why did you do this?” Changbin was freaking out and asking questions instead of trying to help Felix. He took Felix’s shaking body and dragged him to his lap, making his back lean against his chest. “Calm down Felix. It’ll be ok. Shh. It’s going to be okay.”   
“No. It’s not. It will never be okay, Chris is dead and I will never see him again. I don’t know what to do. I miss him so much.”   
Felix broke down again, crying violently in his boyfriend’s arms. “We miss him too, Felix. We miss him too.” They just sat there, crying and hugging. Woojin had started to clean up all the blood. Felix’s hands stopped bleeding before the others returned, but they were still badly bruised and covered in dried wounds. 

A few minutes later the two boys moved to one of the bedrooms, they were lying in bed, cuddling. Changbin tracing circles on Felix’s back, trying to calm him down. “Why did you punch the wall?” Changbin asked after a long silence.   
“I don’t know. I started to think about Chan and it hurt me so much. I just needed something to distract me and the wall was right there. I miss him so much it literally hurts in my chest. Like, I can feel it. The wall hurt like a bitch. No lie, but at least it made me forget the pain on the inside. It returned now though so it didn’t fucking help. Nothing helps, Binnie. I just want to forget. I want to forget him so I don’t need to miss him, but I can’t.”


End file.
